Heartfelt Loving kindness and meditation

This is going to be a rather long post, but I am going out on a limb and will pour my soul out because of some past issues that crept back into my mind and have been bothering me since. These incidents take place when I was sent to Haiti after the earthquake in 2009...


When we got to Haiti, there was nothing standing in the area they drove us to on the way to the "camp". Thousands, upon thousands of tents everywhere. No one had anything. We got to the camp which was a cleared out area that was surrounded by four foot thick concentrina wire, that rounded wire with barbed hooks all over it. It was about chest high, and about a body long, too high to jump over; and that was it. They sent us in to do security on the place. The first day we got there, they showed us around and got us acquainted. The second day, the stood  guard. That day I witnessed grown men offer their daughters to us for sex..or to keep..for only a little bit of food. People crowded around these fences all day long, standing there, watching us watching them. They watched what we were doing, and begged for food. We were told we would be NJP'd or court martialed if we gave them food, so we didn't...

On my third day, I met this young boy named Johnson. Sorry, I'm tearing up now that I'm typing this out. Johnson was wearing a shirt, dirty shorts, sandals and was carrying a backpack..a small blue on that looked empty. I was surprised to walk up and see him talking to my Marines, he knew English very good. I approached him and began talking to him. He told me that he was all alone, and I believe he was all of 13 years old. Johnson's mom, dad and baby sister were killed when the earthquake struck; his house had collapsed..he was the only one who survived. I was shocked, and after a while asked him what he had in his bag. He opened it and told me it was all he had...it was a small English phrase book. I almost cried on the spot, but held it together because of my Marines. He wanted a job, and asked me if I could help him. There were Haitians working on the base, but I knew he wouldn't be able to work..I lied and told him I would see what I could do. He took to calling me "Bossman".

The next day, one of my Marines approached me and said a boy was looking for me at the fence. I went out to see, and it was Johnson. He was being harassed by a a group of about 4-5 boys, all older except one. They were trying to rob him, so he was pacing the fence with the Marines on patrol because he felt safe. I forgot to mention that he was sleeping under the lights illuminating the fence all night..on the ground because he had no where to go. I went up and began talking to him. He was so scared, and didn't want to say why, although the boys around him didn't speak english. I understood and began to get angry, and pointed my rifle at the boys, and told him to tell them to go away before I lost it. They finally did, and I was able to give him a cookie out of my bag. His eyes glowed with tears and he thanked me..shaking my hand with both of his...I sent him on his way, and never saw him again.

The next day, while checking on my Marines, I hear a story from a Haitian that the food the army was giving out wasn't making it into the hands of the people. He said that the gangs had rigged the system, and were taking all the food. The Army had it set up so where you had to give them a ticket in order to get the food they were passing out. Someone in a gang had bought out all the tickets, and was letting his men take the food while these starving people looked on. I told my LT, and he invited me to go investigate the food handout site a short walk from our camp. We left, and walked into the area, but the army wasn't there. On the walk back, I was came up on two boys, one about 4, the other maybe 5. They had an old Nokia cell phone, like the original, and were playing a ringtone over and over again, dancing. They looked at me, bobbing their heads, and I started bobbing my head too. When I asked them what their names were (in French), they told me they were Jimmy and Pechucco (sp?) They were orphans too, and only had that phone. We got back to the back gate, and my LT made me leave them. They watched me and I slowly walked back to my tent..wishing there was more I could do for them.

My heart is breaking right now as I think back on all of those people we just left behind. Superbowl Sunday rolled around, and these bastards rolled out a HUGE big screen, and unloaded A FREAKING TRUCK FULL OF CHIPS. They had so many chips, that I was ordered to take a few boxes back for the Marines. Meanwhile, hungry Haitains stared at the troops gorging themselves on chips and sodas, watching football while they had nothing//NOTHING. I left Haiti after a week, and never saw or heard from any of them again...

I feel the deepest sense of guilt for not having done anything for those people. My guilt runs even deeper when I remember that as soon as I got back to the states, I partied so hard and not once did I think back on those little boys. I practice loving kindness meditations now because of my guilt, and when I do, I listen to African music and envision I'm taking all of their suffering away. I would give up everything I own to provide any of those little boys or girls a few moments of peace and love. The only reason I can deal with this right now is because of the meditation and words from my sister. I have promised myself to never allow the politics of governments to dictate my compassion towards a fellow living creature; ever. Thank you for reading